She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
