Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
