I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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