Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
