I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
