I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
