I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My vagina is very pro this idea
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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