I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
