New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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