Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
