Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
