if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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