we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
