i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I wish you could order shots online.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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