cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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