I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
