Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
