Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
