someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.