Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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