sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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