How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
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