Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
