Your mouth is God's brothel.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
