Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
