I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
