You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
no you cant smoke seaweed
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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