My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
