I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
