i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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