I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
