the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
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She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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