I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
