When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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