Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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