I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
