Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
