Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
