I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
