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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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