Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
