Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
