Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
