My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
