I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
