I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
