At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
