So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you would pick up someone in the library
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
