A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I pour the whiskey from now on
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
