Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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