Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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