So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
