My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
