My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
